Thursday, May 12, 2005

Choices, Choices

Speaking of (un)healthy choices, yesterday I not only skipped yoga, for dinner I had . . . chocolate. Really good chocolate, but chocolate nevertheless. On the other hand, this was all done in service to (a) seeing a wax model of my eventual wedding ring and (b) seeing Bruce in concert. So no yoga + chocolate for dinner kinda works for me, in this case.

During last night's concert, as his intro to "Jesus Was an Only Son" (which I like okay), Bruce said that he was thinking about two things--how once you have kids you'll do anything to try to keep them safe, and how every choice is a turning away as well as a turning toward. Which, yes, I know, but I realized I haven't thought about that as much as perhaps I should. (This all fits in with kstyle's recent purification efforts, too, I think.) What did I "give up" by going to graduate school? What did I give up by leaving academia? What am I giving up by becoming a pastry chef? And I realize that, for me, I've made my choices in search of satisfaction, peace, joy, meaning-with-a-very-small-"m." And I've found some of that, perhaps even a lot of it--it's by no means been a fruitless search! But a lot of my decisions over the years have been made because my current circumstances were unhappy and I didn't see the tools or opportunities within the situation that would enable the transformation of those circumstances. I'm going to enjoy teaching myself XML and DocBook, and I'm going to enjoy putting a structure for the company's documents together, and helping to develop a framework that will enable a transition to a real database (if we ever build one)--but this is a side project, work I can only do because we've been slow here. In general, I really don't like my job--I don't like the work I do on a daily basis. It bores me to tears. That means I don't give it the effort I should, and I really hate that feeling. I have no clue whether making pastry is going to be any better--it'll certainly pay a lot less--but the change doesn't feel like a choice so much as a necessity.

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