Monday, June 12, 2006

Feh

I'm inching ever closer--so close that my typing is echoing slightly in this room. Today I arranged for local phone, cable, and internet services, and changed the address on my long-distance and cell services. I packed more boxes. I picked up the keys to the new place. I did a couple of loads of laundry, and then packed nearly every bit of clothing except my chef clothes, some underwear, a pair of jeans, and a couple of t-shirts. Right now, I'm running the dishwasher, and then I'm going to pack all the rest of the dishes except a cereal bowl and spoon; this isn't just to get the dishes packed, it's also so the kitchen will be empty and therefore cleanable. We have to take down a few more things from the walls, remove some anchors, and do some spackling, too, but I don't think that'll be too much of a problem. All of this means I didn't really get a day off this weekend, and I won't next weekend, either. Originally I was bummed that the 4th is on a Tuesday, because the bakery is closed, which means I have an unpaid holiday, and I can't really afford that. Now, though, three days off in a row sounds like heaven. Of course, there's every possibility I'll need to work on the 3rd, so we'll see.

One of my friends is joining the chorus (led by my mother) urging me to Get A Different Job, specifically, one that enables me to support myself and has benefits attached to it, even if it has nothing at all to do with baking or pastry. (Of course, that's made more complicated by the fact that the whole impetus for the career change was that I couldn't find a different job--I couldn't even get an interview for two jobs for which I was perfect, and it's worth pointing out that they probably paid significantly less than the job I had, so it's not as if I was holding out for some fab big-money job.) On top of that, Dave wants to know what my long term plans are, not least because he wants to know how long he has to help support me. Some days I think things will be okay--that I'll pick up enough money on the side, that Dave will willingly give me at least some of what I gave him over the past seven and a half years, that I'll figure out what the next step is and I'll be able to afford to take it and it'll be the right thing. Some days I listen to the chorus and think I should find A Different Job, and then I remember how little success I had trying to find one of those (i.e., none at all), and then I start to panic a little. None of this is helped by the realities of my current job, which include long hours, physically taxing work, low pay, and neither paid vacation nor benefits. It's really not good when Plan A is "win the lottery."

I tried to write more about three times, but I keep erasing it. Suffice it to say that Dave and I had some terrible, wrenching conversations today, which were pretty much the definition of Not Fun for both of us. I wish, with all my heart, that he were (or becomes) able to be happy with himself.

1 Comments:

Blogger landismom said...

I hope that your friends will resist the chorus. It doesn't seem like that's what you need in the way of friendship right now. It can be hard to do something that you really want to do, especially if it's not that financially rewarding. But would they rather you be unhappy and prosperous? I don't know that I'd counsel a friend to make that choice.

5:59 PM  

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