Friday, July 14, 2006


My fear, this time.

It's overwhelming me. On top of wondering what the hell is happening with Dave (much to my surprise, he didn't even email or leave a voice mail wishing me a happy birthday--that isn't really like him), on top of wondering how I'm going to get by financially, my body has decided now is a FINE time for extra bleeding. I keep trying to reassure myself that it's just random, that it's nothing serious (and I went to the doc on Wednesday), but that only goes so far. And do I have health insurance? Dunno.

The other thing that scares me is the Black Hole: I've been there before, I lived there for a couple of years at the end of and after grad school, and I just don't want to go back. I don't want to summon the energy to crawl out of there again.

As I said to J yesterday (and may I also say that she forced me to go out to dinner with her last night and we had a lovely time), the thing that's so discouraging is that I make a decision that doesn't seem completely crazy and it turns out so much worse than I could have imagined that I'm beginning to doubt my ability to make any decisions at all.

And it depresses me that this blog has become, instead of a place where I can actually try to work out an idea once in awhile, a kind of Whining Central. (And thank you all for your kind wishes yesterday.) I barely pay attention to the news any more--in part because that just depresses me, too, and I really don't need any more sources of depression. I realize that's completely self-centered, and I'm disgusted with myself on that score, but there it is.



Blogger kStyle said...

Please stop beating up on my friend Emma. She has enough troubles now without worrying about keeping up with the news, being too whiny, or being bad at decision making. Treat her nicely and with caring instead.


8:52 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Yes, what kStyle said.

Saying you're scared isn't the same as whining. For examples of whining, check out my blog.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Lisa Marie said...

Emma -- Something I learned coming out of an abusive marriage 10 years ago: Just because your life isn't *that bad* (e.g., winding up in the hospital or homeless, or whatever) doesn't mean that it isn't still awful. Being miserable sucks -- no matter the markers.

I'm not telling you to wallow. Just know that there will be time enough for "thankful" later. For right now, just survive...and talk to friends. (You call it venting; I call it therapy.)

Be well

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Dave, not Craw said...

Kind of like the black hole I've been trying to pull myself out of for the last five months? The one where every time I think I've made some progress, something grabs me by the ankle and pulls me in a little deeper?

4:36 PM  

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