Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Evaluation

Suddenly all that Daniel had observed of Mr. Threader rearranged, in his mind, into a novel, strange, but perfectly coherent picture; it was like watching a pile of rubble spontaneously assemble itself into a marble statue.
--Neal Stephenson, "The System of the World"

It was 100 outside, yesterday, at least according to my inside/outside thermometer; right now (at 5:30 am) it's 87, and the sun's not up yet. Inside it's a balmy 84. Various friends are taunting me with my recent declaration that I like hot weather. Generally speaking, I don't mind it as much as some people do, perhaps because I haven't had air conditioning in my home since about 1978 when I last lived with my parents. You just get used to it, more or less. I have to admit that working in a bakery isn't the way to go in this weather, though; it's just brutal. I also have to admit that I need the occasional foray into air-conditioned (or, at least, cooler) space.

I stopped by the YMCA today to make sure theyhad cancelled our membership--which affected me more than I would have predicted. I flashed back to when we joined, so Dave would have some place to take the Kid swimming and a place to work out himself. I didn't use it much, but didn't really expect to--I played handball elsewhere, and did yoga elsewhere, but I wanted Dave and the Kid to have a place to play, too. Since I couldn't tell you the last time Dave and the Kid went swimming, and since they haven't gone regularly (e.g., twice in a month) in well over a year, and since Dave is unemployed, it seemed foolish to continue paying for a membership. I may rejoin at the Y near the bakery (if I ever get around to actually playing handball there), but the point is that it felt like a tie was being cut.

Most of the time I just go along, doing what's in front of me, figuring out some medium-range and short-range things, blah, blah, blah, but every once in awhile I look up and wonder what the fuck happened. The quote above resonated with me when I read it last week, because anything like this requires some (re)evaluation, and I have plenty of time and space to do that. I still don't know exactly what happened or why, but at least I've been getting some insight on my end of it.

9 Comments:

Blogger kStyle said...

Trading quote for quote:

"Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect, and the beast and the monk, robbed of the isolation that is life to either, will die."

--E.M. Forster, Howards End

Don't know that it's apropos to your situation, but I like it.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

Me, too; thanks!

10:30 PM  
Anonymous dave, not craw said...

What happened, emma, was that you began having sex with someone else last january, and right from the start you broke two of our most sacred rules; our parter is more important than any other, and NO unprotected sex outside of our relationship. so the first night you came home, i'll admit i was more than a little over-the-top, but it hardly made it any better to learn that you had sex with someone and didn't use a condom. and then seeing him 4 of the next seven days, AND comparing his performance to mine hardly made me feel any better. and then when was beside myself with anxiety, you accused me of puking all over your shoes every day. i think the rest is chronicled well enough in your blog, but i find it interesting that you hardly ever take any responsibility for how your DIRECT ACTIONS affected the demise of our relationship. instead, you prefer to detail to the nth degree how all of my actions negatively impacted whatever it was we had, and that you should have kicked me out long ago. that's the extent to which you seem willing to accept your own role in this. at least i'm getting professional help (i was diagnosed as severely bipolar in may) and i'm doing much better. doesn't mean i don't get angry every now & then.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think dave, not craw should refrain from posting comments here. If he wants to air "his side" then he might consider creating his own blog.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous dave, not craw said...

anon- if that's how you want to have it, that's fine with me. just be careful what's said about me in a public forum, though... if i'm not welcome to post a rebuttal, then i may seek other (legal) methods to keep my name from being tarnished (my son's as well). whether or not you agree with what i say (and i never claim to be even close to 100% right on any topic, especially what happened between "emma" and myself) at least i have the guts to post "my side" of things under my own real name. i don't hide behind "anonymous" or assumed names.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Emma Goldman said...

Um, Dave, that comment wasn't from me.

10:03 PM  
Blogger kStyle said...

Hey Dave, we don't know your last name, or who you are, really, and have a vague idea that you may or may not live in Chicago; and none of us knows your kid's first or last name...or even gender. So your name truly isn't being tarnished.

Meantime, I'd like to just put in my 2 cents, which is that I come here for the philosophy and the baking and fellowship and wit, and it's a little uncomfortable to me to read the comments and suddenly find something like what you posted here; esp. since Emma has always been vague about your troubles together. I fear that if the "specifics" continue to be aired, I'll have to duck out of enjoying this blog, and I'd hate to do that.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
»

6:35 PM  

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