Sunday, August 06, 2006

Well, THAT didn't work out so well.

I'd talked to my mother a few weeks ago about health insurance, but nothing really specific. Today I suggested that my parents do what they did with my brother, when he was replacing the newspaper-and-toothpicks addition on his house with, you know, actual walls and insulation and the like. That is, rather than loan him the money, they gave it to him and basically deducted it from his eventual inheritance.

My mother's response? "No, I don't think we want to do that," i.e., give me money to pay for my health insurance, because that's "just blowing money away." They don't want to give me money for that. Well, I asked, what WOULD you give me money to do? Move from this city, is her answer. To go where? To do what? I asked. In other words, I asked, you want me to leave all my friends, my life? "If someone offered you money to move to San Francisco, would you want to do that?" I asked. No, she wouldn't. Then why expect me to do that? What job is it I'm supposed to be finding that I'm not finding? "How's the weather in your city?"

Not really the supportive response for which I was hoping, to put it mildly, but there's not much I can do about it. I'm surely not moving to their town--what the fuck would I do there? When I ask her what jobs she seems to think I can find that I'm not finding, she says she doesn't want to argue about it and changes the subject. I pointed out that she's never actually searched for a job, but she's incapable of thinking outside her own box. I know that about her, and I've been dealing with that for my whole life--mostly by trying to make my life more accessible and understandable to her--but my tactics don't always work.

My mother has tried this tactic before, too, i.e., tried to control my life with money, and it didn't work out so well then, either, at least not for her. I have no patience for this.

Of course, I don't really know what I'm going to do--it's not like I can make some immediate change that's going to resolve everything. Even if I looked for and found a job outside of baking, it's not like that's going to happen instantaneously.

Meanwhile, I spent all my grocery money for the month yesterday--on groceries. J took me to the store so I could stock up on things that are too heavy to shlep on the el, and I can supplement as needed with bits from the local grocery.

Speaking of food, I have to eat some. Except for yoga this morning, I've been sitting here in front of the computer all day, hacking away, and it's time for some nourishment.

Later: I should add that it's not that I think my parents "should" give me money--it's theirs, and they can do as they please with it. What annoys the everloving shit out of me is my mother's attempt to manipulate me with it. It's also depressing how little she understands of my life, even after all these years, but that's a different complaint, and a different feeling, for that matter.


Anonymous Lisa Marie said...

Your relationship with your mother sounds very much like my mine with my mother. When I've needed her help in times past, she's always been there -- so long as I do what she wants me to do. She wonders now why I'm so secretive.

Well wishes,

11:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does your dad have to say about it? Your parents seem to be of a certain age that makes it likely he's the one who earned all the money in question, does he not have a say in how it's dispensed to his children?

11:25 AM  
Blogger landismom said...

That is truly annoying. My parents have done that too--tried to manipulate me with money--and it basically made me totally self-reliant. I will never ask them for money again, as I know they won't come through for me.

But it sucks.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Orange said...

Wow. Your mom and I definitely don't share the same worldview. I can't think of a more useful investment than health insurance premiums. Sure, it doesn't turn into an asset you can cash in, but it's so important. Given your first paragraph in the last post, especially.

4:23 PM  

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