Monday, October 02, 2006


I've been neglecting you all, and I'm sorry about that. After last week's mini-vacation, my nose is back to the grindstone: in addition to that croissant-making thing, I've got several side things going on now. Believe me, I'm NOT complaining--that's how I'm going to pay the bills, after all--but it does mean a seven days/week schedule, pretty much. The advantage to the side work is that I can do it in bits and pieces, and I can do it in my underwear rather than in an office. I can also take breaks from it, which I do. Yesterday, for example, featured a lovely walk in the woods, complete with the sighting of a 9-point buck; we crept along and eventually got quite close to him--maybe 30 feet away? These woods are large and full of deer, but the deer don't have any predators other than cars, so they're not much spooked by people.

Also, if you didn't see it in the comments: Dave got a job!! He started it on Friday, and it sounds like a great job for him. It doesn't pay enough for him to feel completely comfortable, and the health insurance doesn't kick in for 90 days, but it's a small business, and the owner will, I'm sure, reward Dave appropriately once he sees how valuable Dave will be.

Meanwhile, I've been dealing with a bout of sadness this week. Not depression, just . . . sadness. I don't care how you describe what's gone on this past year--it's just sad. Dave tells me that we're incompatible across a number of spectra (and we probably are), but that's not new. Hell, none of the issues that came up were completely new, for that matter; even his diagnosis had its appearances before, albeit not in quite so dramatic a form. Still, somehow, we thought we could make it all work; I wouldn't have married him otherwise, and I don't think he would have married me, either. And I really don't want to go down the "if only" path--if only he hadn't done/said this; if only I hadn't done/said that. What's the point? We took the paths we took, and we took them in good conscience, in that we never meant to hurt each other and we tried to, I don't know, do right by each other? I failed miserably, of course; it's not just the road to hell that's paved with good intentions. As you can see, I have trouble blaming, though I don't think that's a flaw, exactly; I just don't see the point of pointing fingers. It's just sad. Was it inevitable? Hell, I have no clue. As I said, that seems to be the path of "if only," and I'd rather deal with the path of "is." Here's where we are. Would all roads have led to here, or some other approximation of here? No idea. It'd be easier if I could say that definitively (though I'd still be sad). And if I thought that different paths would have prevented us from getting to Here? We didn't take those paths, and you can't go back. Ahhh, fuck, I'm just babbling.

On a related note, one of the things I'm editing includes a questionnaire that assigns points to stressful events, with the notion that the occurrence of some number of them means you're at greater risk for illness. More than 500 in a year is supposed to be a bad thing; I racked up over 800. What I would really like to do is get more exercise and practice yoga regularly. I could walk home from work a couple days a week, and I could practice yoga at home for free; instead, I do neither of those things and then feel bad about it, which isn't particularly productive. Handball is unlikely for the foreseeable future, if only because adding a $50/month expense for a YMCA membership seems like a bad idea, but walking is free. I'm on my feet all day, so I haven't turned into a total tub of goo, but I miss the endorphins of the exercise (and the game, of course) and the aerobic aspects of it, too. And I miss yoga. I try to do a teensy bit of yoga when I get up, but . . . I don't. Once I get out of work, I just want to get home and vegetate (or do the side work, then vegetate). I know I'd feel better even if I EITHER walked or practiced yoga, but, hey, why not just chastise myself some more? I guess I should move the "no blame" mantra to that area of my life, too.

On a completely unrelated note, what the hell is it with these so-called family values Republicans? They natter on and on, they legitimize and legalize torture, they spout their faith in a deity and castigate others' faiths or lack thereof, they want to control my vagina, they clutch their pearls over consensual sex the last president was having . . . and they turn and look the other way when one of their own solicits sex from teenagers. I've long suspected that the reason they're so insistent on trying to control my sex life is that their own heads are so out of control, they figure (a) everyone else's head must be similarly messy, and (b) since we don't believe in the same deities or believe in the same way, well, golly, nothing is holding us back! Apparently the deity isn't doing much to hold them back, either; guess it's that personal responsibility thing the kids are going on about, eh?

I'd write more about the torture, but others are doing it much better and more thoroughly, and I doubt my six readers really need to be told that (a) it's wrong, and (b) I'm sick to my stomach about the whole thing, because you probably agree with me.


Blogger kStyle said...

Darlin', you need to treat yourself. Maybe a yoga class or a spa treatment or a chocolatey thing, but you need a treat.

12:45 PM  

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